Imperfection; Haphazardness ~ oh, the Glory!!!

Quote from Poser, My Life In Twenty-Three Yoga Poses by Claire Dederer:

"Yoga seemed like just exactly what I wanted; something to calm me down. It also seemed like just exactly what I didn't want; a place where everyone could see what a mess I was, could see my tremor and my anxiety and my worry. There was something about holding still, about inhabiting a pose, that was scary."


"...Wrestling the stroller through the door, I was hit with the ecclesiastically grubby smell of incense. Everything in the store was dusty and slightly off plumb. The magazine racks tilted; the books were piled haphazardly; the posters of chakras and mushrooms and stars were at various subtle angles."

So I must admit that I got carried away with looking at pictures of chakras, mushrooms and stars to add decor to my blog and to our room. I am so going to print out what I found and color them with crayons and hang them in a glorious haphazardness around my room. Many times through Claire's book she struggles with this perfectionism that she is compelled to have as wife, mother, daughter, yogi. It seriously takes her to the end of the book to come to terms with the delight of an imperfect life. I keep wondering, in my stupid pride, when is she gonna get it? But it is me who still hasn't gotten it. Yes, in the beginning, we were made to be perfect, but in our gift of free will, we left this idea behind and if I could just learn to embrace this fallacy that in a sense is sad, but in another sense is so full of grace and forgiveness that I really don't think I would want it any other way. The angels never sinned and only learn from us what it is to love soooo much because we were loved by Jesus even when we hated Him; just like the prostitute who washed Jesus feet with her tears and her hair ~ that kind of helpless adoration would be lost on me if I had not screwed up so badly in my life.

My husband gave me a gentle command yesterday, a command that I really liked but that bugs me with guilt. He told me that right now I am not allowed to even think about getting a paying job...but focus on being a wife, being domestic and writing. I have a hard time letting go of bringing in money, even though, hopefully in my writing, I will eventually gain monetarily. But it is hard for me, especially since he works such long and hard hours. But I am going to try and let go of my guilt and just follow his sweet leadership and work very hard at what he has asked me to do. It is the perfectionism of this, however, that I have to let go of too because I feel that if everything in the home is not perfect, if I don't accomplish my soul's writing quota, then the guilt comes and I get depressed. Let Go Bonnie!!! Go with the flow, with the grace; let others see your humanness...the beautiful imperfection and relax!!! This is the mandate to myself that just poured out on this page...maybe it is from my friend, Jesus...

If I can just learn to inhabit what I do, like when I hold and release into a pose and my focus is there completely, in the feeling, riding the wave of all the energy and chemicals releasing in my body...inhabiting all that that moment offers me...